The Million Dollar Cabin

Before I begin, the website you need to visit now is www.friendsofthecabin.com.

The Million Dollar Cabin is falling down!!!

If you don't know what that is - it's the cabin used for both the interior and exterior "cabin-in-the-forest" scenes from the 1993 masterpiece film "THE VANISHING." It was also used in a few other productions.

It is on Boy Scout property at a place called Camp Pigott on the Cascade Scout Reservation in Chief Seattle Council. Traditionally it has been used for staff housing, but if I'm able to fix it up - I'd love to turn it into the Cascade Scout Museum or even a Moviemaking/ Communications/ Theatre merit badge house.

LEGALLY, this fundraising effort is not affiliated with the BSA, Camp Pigott, or Chief Seattle Council - I am raising the money individually to fix up the cabin, and then I will donate all the money raised to the Council for that specific purpose. Otherwise the money will be allocated to the General Camp Fund and probably used to buy coffee for the Round Table. I am also not legally authorized to solicit funds from BSA employees. So this is not that either. This is all donations.

If you are a movie buff, or if you are just into the Scouting movement, please consider donating FIVE DOLLARS to the GoFundMe that I've set up at www.friendsofthecabin.com.

Dear Flop House

So, I listen to this podcast called The Flop House. Their website is https://www.flophousepodcast.com. They are great peaches over there. Anyways, about six months ago, they asked for an essay on butts. This is what I sent them today.

Flophouse,

In case you forgot, in a previous episode of your podcast, you asked listeners to submit a 500 word essay on butts. I was only able to submit this just now, because of reasons that shall not be repeated here. Mainly - I’m a very lazy human person.

When you say the word “butt,” what I hear is the word “but.” But the word “but” is another way of saying that you have something to interrupt the flow of a conversation with. Like, say, you have a counter-argument to present to someone. I certainly do not think of a part of the human anatomy that acts as a refuse removal port. Certainly I do not think of Dan. Nor do I think of Steeley Dan. Nor a man with a plan. I really really don’t think of Ayatollah Kohmeni, because that would be super weird, even though he’s from Iran, and that rhymes with Dan - if you’re George Bush and you like to pronounce things wrong. George Bush was a major dick, but that’s not an ass, which he was as well, and asses are also butts.

But now we have a new president. His name is Bill. I’m assuming, I really haven’t been paying attention because of all the bad movies I’ve been watching. Movies, like The Legend of 1900. Even though it flopped - it’s actually my favorite movie ever. One of the best movies ever made in my opinion. Even though it flopped - I’m assuming. It seems like the kind of movie that would flop.I think that Hollywood has a skewed perception of reality. They seem to think that the box office is what determines a good movie. Although, some of the best movies in the world don’t do so well at the Box Office. That’s all because of the marketing. Marketing firms get hired to promote shitty movies like Battleship and Independence Day: Resurgence, while the really good movies like The Last Witch Hunter get minimal coverage. Did Graham Norton ever invite Vin Dissel to talk about that movie on his show? No, because Graham Norton was too afraid of Mark Wahlberg’s drunken behavior on his show only some months or years or days earlier.

By the way, Mark Wahlberg needs to lay off the drinky-drinks. Like Mel Gibson. What weird people they are when they’re drunk, am I right? Hi-fives all around because I’m always right.Anyways, fuck cranberries.

As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself - my name is Guylaen O’Connor, and I’m a 24 year old sis-gendered straight white male from north of seattle. Imagine Chris Pratt with seasonal depression, with black hair and bad teeth and a much more cynical attitude. Imagine, actually, the character that Chris Pratt plays in Zero Dark 30, because that’s slightly closer to the truth - even though I’m in the Army, not the navy. Who in the world would name their elite special operations unit after a hairless mammal? That’s right, the Navy. Fucking sea cucumbers. Fleet Week? More like never-on-fleek week.

Anyways, fuck the police.

Speaking of major assholes, Nicky Minaj. She’s fucking awesome. And, as she is often quoted as saying, she’s “got a big, fat ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass.”

I imagine her butt looks much better in person than Dan’s.

Who else is an asshole? Donald Trump, but I don’t think you’re here to read about people with major medical concerns like spewing bullshit out of their mouth. How does that even happen though? Bullshit is from bulls, right? Is there a tiny bull living in Donald Trump’s mouth that’s like the exact opposite of the babel fish from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? Eating words and shitting out sonic frequencies of jumbled noises that vaguely make sense, but only if you stand on your head, shut your eyes, and pretend that nothing exists in the world?

I want to scream.

But was this 500 words?


Dip

If there were ever such a thing as true love, or soulmates, bound and quantumly entangled - even if we've never met I can imagine one thing plainly above all else:

When I dip she dip.

Beyond that, I mean... shit. No such luck in love. She's out there somewhere, and I'll always be ready to loose my virginity sometime. Damn, 25 and still a virgin.

There was a kid on this tv show who thought it was bad being 21 and still a virgin. He committed suicide because of it. Suicide? For that?

What an idiot.

I mean - I've done nearly everything EXCEPT for the actual act of inserting my penis into a vagina. I've had a BJ, gotten a handjob, I've gone down on a girl, used my first three fingers, and I've rubbed a clitorious - that's an amalgam of the words clitoris and victorious - from the innie and the outie. For someone who is still technically a virgin, these have been some intensely intimate experiences.

OK, so I haven't done everything. I've never done Anal, and I'm so terrified of contracting salmonella from getting poop on my penis that I don't think I want to. I've never inserted anything into my urethra. I've never participated in auto-erotic asphyxiation. I've never worn a leather ball gag and been slapped by a dominatrix. I've never dressed up like a furry Fox and had my dick sucked by three farm animals.

And there are plenty of things on Reddit that I've never heard of and will never do.

I've done the basics. It's just... I'm still a virgin.

I carry this brand around with me - people expect it less of me these days. They all think I've fucked someone. But I'm so fucking bad with girls - how could it be anything else?

I think - however, that I'm holding myself back. I'm holding myself back because... I'm too nice? I know that sounds selfish - but think on this: I have this idea that there are better guys out there. Guys with more money than me, and 6 pack abs, and perfect tan lines, and guys who know how to treat women - and I want people to be happy. I don't want anyone getting any less of what they deserve.

If it's a girl that I like - then she obviously deserves better than me right now.

I want to wait until I have more money. I want to wait until I have abs. I want to wait until I have a steady job - secure in my sanity. I want to wait.

But how long do I wait?