Trainspotting

I've just watched it for the first time since it came out and I was the five year old lying on the floor of my own version of Beigbe's House waiting for the fists to stop hitting the walls.

Trainspotting is supposed to be the seminole film of Scotland.

Apart from the accents, it didn't feel very Scottish to me. Aye, there was this one scene where the gang departs the train in the Highlands and one of the most beautiful summations of a modern Scottish sentiment is unveiled; "The English are just wankers. But we were Colonized by wankers. What does that make us?"

I would rather have seen that movie.

Trainspotting isn't that movie.

I don't know how I feel about it. Other than the terrible memories it dredges up in me.

Looking back at all of the useless cunts in my life, I'm just fucking glad I never ended up as one of the main characters. If my life were a Trainspot, I'd be one of the background characters.

I'm glad I never got trapped into heroin. I can not say that for half of the people I grew up with. I can not say that for my family.

I've had eight bottles of beer on my shelf since March of 2020. There are currently six bottles. In eleven months, I've had two beers. That's my rate of vice consumption.

Not to say that I'm not an addict; I'm addicted to sugar and masturbation. And I know that if ever anything tore a hole in my arm, I'd jump off of a roof to get out, because I know that I'd be an addict.

This is why I've never chanced it. Not with anything. 

I'd be an addict because I'd use my shitty life as an excuse for it. I'd be an addict because everyone else in my life seems to be addicted to something, so why the fuck wouldn't I be? I'd be an addict because of my genetics, the way my little double helixes all float around zipping and unzipping themselves, carrying around the original sin of my blood; 

that I'm an O'Connor, and it was an O'Connor who got Colonized by wankers.

That I could have been a king, but now I watch my family of Irish Romanovs get shitfaced or chainsmoking and crying on the porch or get hammered or thrown against a wall or running from the cops or bashing in the bay windows or sucking dicks for money.

Trainspotting dredges up these memories. Trainspotting does somersaults in my stomach.

Trainspotting is a horror, a fantasy, a reality show, and a bank job, all in one.

It's a great movie, but it made me feel like shit.