Dear Flop House

So, I listen to this podcast called The Flop House. Their website is They are great peaches over there. Anyways, about six months ago, they asked for an essay on butts. This is what I sent them today.


In case you forgot, in a previous episode of your podcast, you asked listeners to submit a 500 word essay on butts. I was only able to submit this just now, because of reasons that shall not be repeated here. Mainly - I’m a very lazy human person.

When you say the word “butt,” what I hear is the word “but.” But the word “but” is another way of saying that you have something to interrupt the flow of a conversation with. Like, say, you have a counter-argument to present to someone. I certainly do not think of a part of the human anatomy that acts as a refuse removal port. Certainly I do not think of Dan. Nor do I think of Steeley Dan. Nor a man with a plan. I really really don’t think of Ayatollah Kohmeni, because that would be super weird, even though he’s from Iran, and that rhymes with Dan - if you’re George Bush and you like to pronounce things wrong. George Bush was a major dick, but that’s not an ass, which he was as well, and asses are also butts.

But now we have a new president. His name is Bill. I’m assuming, I really haven’t been paying attention because of all the bad movies I’ve been watching. Movies, like The Legend of 1900. Even though it flopped - it’s actually my favorite movie ever. One of the best movies ever made in my opinion. Even though it flopped - I’m assuming. It seems like the kind of movie that would flop.I think that Hollywood has a skewed perception of reality. They seem to think that the box office is what determines a good movie. Although, some of the best movies in the world don’t do so well at the Box Office. That’s all because of the marketing. Marketing firms get hired to promote shitty movies like Battleship and Independence Day: Resurgence, while the really good movies like The Last Witch Hunter get minimal coverage. Did Graham Norton ever invite Vin Dissel to talk about that movie on his show? No, because Graham Norton was too afraid of Mark Wahlberg’s drunken behavior on his show only some months or years or days earlier.

By the way, Mark Wahlberg needs to lay off the drinky-drinks. Like Mel Gibson. What weird people they are when they’re drunk, am I right? Hi-fives all around because I’m always right.Anyways, fuck cranberries.

As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself - my name is Guylaen O’Connor, and I’m a 24 year old sis-gendered straight white male from north of seattle. Imagine Chris Pratt with seasonal depression, with black hair and bad teeth and a much more cynical attitude. Imagine, actually, the character that Chris Pratt plays in Zero Dark 30, because that’s slightly closer to the truth - even though I’m in the Army, not the navy. Who in the world would name their elite special operations unit after a hairless mammal? That’s right, the Navy. Fucking sea cucumbers. Fleet Week? More like never-on-fleek week.

Anyways, fuck the police.

Speaking of major assholes, Nicky Minaj. She’s fucking awesome. And, as she is often quoted as saying, she’s “got a big, fat ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass.”

I imagine her butt looks much better in person than Dan’s.

Who else is an asshole? Donald Trump, but I don’t think you’re here to read about people with major medical concerns like spewing bullshit out of their mouth. How does that even happen though? Bullshit is from bulls, right? Is there a tiny bull living in Donald Trump’s mouth that’s like the exact opposite of the babel fish from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? Eating words and shitting out sonic frequencies of jumbled noises that vaguely make sense, but only if you stand on your head, shut your eyes, and pretend that nothing exists in the world?

I want to scream.

But was this 500 words?


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