The room is illuminated by the light from my iPhone 5 - portraits of beautiful women on Tinder, many of whom I insert into my fantasies - having nothing better to do as I wait for my toilet logs to plop. I imagine them riding me like cowgirls, and then using my head to steer while I eat their lady sandwiches.
And then my heart palpitates, and I try and try to think about something else - haunted by my insecurities. Dating is so much work, it's too difficult.
I still think love is bullshit, because it involves so much lying. Lying about nearly everything. Pretending to be happy, and that you're just an invincible hunk of a man, and nothing damages you.
I'd really like to just have sex with someone without knowing their name, but that's dangerous. And I'm still fat. I'm still a virgin.
So.
Instead of actually trying to date someone, I just masturbate constantly, hoping that my lack of intimacy won't negatively affect my future. I might just buy a Fleshlight and see if that works.
I've read online that there's this drug called Zoloft that kills the sex drive, and I've thought a lot about that. Back when I was going to to church every week, I often thought about chopping off my penis.
In the meantime, I'll still be watching porn.
But every day I long for something that I don't have.
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